Where Does This Door Go

Where Does This Door Go?

Where Does This Door Go?, 2020

Hey friends. Welcome to my blog. In this space, I plan to share my art, my thoughts, and my life.  My name is Clint. I am a Wisconsinite turned Californian, living in San Francisco for the last four years. I have about 20 years invested in bars and restaurants, the majority of them in Wisconsin, and the last few in the foodie Mecca of San Francisco. I didn't plan on working in bars or restaurants here but I found a home in it, as always. I met wonderful coworkers and clients, providing me with a sense of love and belonging, and giving me purpose and enough financial support to maintain a lifestyle quite co-dependent of the industry. I'm out here on my own, building friendships and relationships, starting from scratch again in many aspects. 

It's been a rocky road of a life, but I am here. I am alive. I, like you, am in the middle of this pandemic thing and election/political chaos. We are all moving through this together, unfortunately in this day and age of an "us" vs. "them" culture, this fact seems lost. Speaking of lost, so is my job. This industry is forever changed by this pandemic. Restaurants that were teetering close to the brink have all shut down when COVID became the tipping point. The dumpster-fire that is 2020 has changed our economy. This blog isn't about politics per se, this is going to be about me, about my life, about my story. I promise you stories of intrigue and adventure, and an emotional journey. Actually, no. I make no promises other than to be my best self and use this space as a place for sorting out my life and healing. My life is a bit messy as I no longer am in the industry and have little to no desire to go back to it, although highly qualified, and despite having an incredible work history in the industry. Unfortunately, most all of the places that I have worked in my past have closed. Both restaurants in SF that I had the pleasure of working at and learning so much in, are shuttered for good. Back in Wisconsin, the bars like The Shelter and Za's where I spent many years of my life working, have been closed for awhile now, as well as a wannabe Italian Restaurant in Green Bay, Wisconsin called Grazies. These and a number of other places are how I survived over the last 20 years. Now granted, I was not thriving, but more on that later.

So I started college about 10 years ago, and 5 years ago, I graduated with honors with my Bachelors Degree. I'm 43 now. I also started my artistic journey about 8 years ago, having been inspired by my advisor while studying psychology. In 2016, I moved to San Francisco. I had intended on putting my degree to use somehow, wanting to go into life coaching, but was too much in my own head holding myself back. So, I stuck to what I knew, and found a place in the restaurant industry in the city. I also maintained my own codependent relationship with the industry. Drinking every night after work to wind down. Drinking every night that I did not work, to relax and socialize. Drinking every night at dinner because wine and sake are delicious. Drinking in the park before work. Drinking at brunch. Etc. I was pretty much always drinking. I found myself in a spiral and had been looking to move on from the restaurant industry and knew that I needed some changes in my life. 

One Saturday night service, while polishing glasses I had a moment that changed everything. I had been extremely stressed, feeling overworked and under-appreciated.  I felt a tingle on the right side of my jaw. Then I felt my tongue lock up and my ear tingle too, and I turned to my co-worker and tried to say, "I think I am having a stroke" at which my coworker looked at me and giggled because it came out of my mouth as total incoherent word salad. After a few seconds of that, it went away. I became scared and nervous. My co-worker had me sit down outside and brought me water. I didn't know what to do. I also did not have insurance so I felt a doctor's visit would have been even more detrimental to my situation, putting more stress on me financially.  So I opted to not seek medical attention. I opted to say a little prayer and only have a few drinks that night. I let the moment pass, looking online to see what had happened. It could have been some sort of pinch nerve in my jaw, as I was biting on lozenges before the incident, but it is more likely to have been a T.I.A., a mini-stroke. I went into a bit of a panic. 

Drunk With Opportunities, 2018

That night, the universe heard my prayer. Out of the blue, a lover that I had taken quite a shine to messaged me. He 'needed' a pack of cigarettes, which I gladly took to him, and I needed someone to hold that night. Desperately. I was, as they say, SHOOK!  Holding him tightly, I thought to myself about how much I need to step up. If I ever wanted to be in a healthy relationship, I needed to start working to become like the person I dream to be my perfect partner. So I made a deal with myself that Sunday morning in June. If I want to survive, I need to make some changes. 

Back in Wisconsin, I used to say jokingly (kinda, kinda not) that I was on the 40-year-plan. I lived like it. Most of the gays I saw growing up all died of AIDS. I don't think it ever dawned on me that I would have made it as far as I have.  I drank a bottle a night on the job for many years, not expecting a long life, not worthy of one.  I am not exaggerating and I am not bragging. I could hold my liquor. How can someone get away with that, you ask? I was permitted.  In Wisconsin, bartenders often shake games of dice to see who buys rounds of shots for whoever all participates in the games. I as a bartender played with the customers several games of dice throughout any given shifts. I could keep multiple games going with patrons on all sides of the bar. And with each game, I would pour rounds of shots and participate in consumption of them as well. Is this legal? Who knows? Does whether or not something is legal determine whether or not something is good for us? No. 

People in the bars where I worked drank a lot of shots. Drinks would be dirt cheap, $3-5 mostly. Shots around the same price, sometimes cheaper when specials were ran. Then, on Packer Game days, we would also run drink busts (all you care to drink special). $10-$20 depending on what people want, tap beer, rail mixers, call, or premium.... that one price would be for 3-4 hours of drinking during a game. OH! And when Packers scored, a free "touchdown" shot would be given to everyone in the bar complimentary. AND free food would be provided during half-time. Looking back, I am just in awe that we even survived as long as we did as a club. How could we have given so much away at so little price and made it as long as we did. OH wait... I was paid shit and worked many many many hours to make a living. But I also had a place of love and belonging and acceptance. Which was something that I really struggled with from childhood on. I didn't see the drinking as problematic, but it was. It really kept me from being fully responsible for many aspects of my life. 

That's what I am here for now... To claim responsibility for the things I have let go of over the years. Financially, I have lots of space to grow and organize and a mess to clean up. I've been putting off student loans that are out of control, I have a business I am growing using art and life coaching, consulting and helping. I need health insurance and should probably see my own therapist and get going to a doctor for my TIA and some other stuff I will chat about later. So anyway, I am just at a point with nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

Back to the drinking thing... After my incident that changed everything, I knew I wanted to start to maintain my health differently. I wanted to not drink, but I also didn't want to send my body into shock by suddenly not consuming mass quanitities of Tito's and soda. One day at my favorite local coffee shop Cafe 78, on the corner of 29th and Tiffany, I overheard people chatting about someone taking a year off of social drinking. That became my out. I promised myself to wean myself down from alcohol, I would just taste the wine and sake at work on occasion. And by my birthday a few months later, I was on board with sobriety. I have had fewer cocktails than the number of fingers on my hand since, Two were alcoholic kombucha drinks, one was a split of cheap bubbles from the corner story the day I received news that the restaurant I had worked at up until COVID hit was going to close permanently. I didn't even finish the bubbles for fear of a headache. I completely changed my thoughts about drinking. I have come to realize I had spent the last couple decades numbing a bunch of pain and shame, keeping myself in an abusive relationship with myself. I am seriously a living Brene Brown case study. So now, I am putting my own life together. Growing. Changing with the times. Moving forward. I no longer feel like I have the need for the love and belonging that the restaurant and bar world gave me. I am actually a bit fearful of it because of the lifestyle it supported for me. So now I humbly move forward. Open for learning and growth as I address more of my life. The fact remains however, I do feel need for love and belonging still, and need to look continue to look for this outside of the work setting. (We will talk about family relationships another time.)

I have been using my art to help dig into myself. It has worked magic before, and as long as I keep using my creative tools, art, music, cooking and writing, I can continue to progress in this life and help others through somehow as well. I am using my coaching tools myself as I move forward to help suss out my own goals, and to help find the courage to move through this life. I also have been growing in my ability to ask for help and find the resources that I need, not an easy task for someone who doesn't trust the world. But I have hope and am putting hope into action when I can muster up the strength.

So here we are. I know there is a ton more to say. I have many more stories and more art to share ahead as this journey continues. At the moment, I am the Restaurant Refugee. I am the boy without a home, building an identity,  on a good heart, a warm spirit, allowing these core traits to guide. For sobriety's sake, I don't want to venture back into the industry if I can help it. When I moved here with the dream to become a life coach and full time artist I wasn't sure how to go about it, but here I am, figuring this out.  I have a passion for helping people. I want people to embrace themselves and work toward becoming the best version of themselves. (This is what I am striving for.) I have a positive outlook on life. I was smart enough to collect tools along the way, while making the messes I have to clean. I am also smart enough to know that I know very little overall and I have so much to learn. This is humility. The space for learning a growing. I know this life is a continual process of development. I am grateful to still have the gift of life. Now, to just clean up the messes Drunk Clint left Sober Clint. In doing so, I hope to continue growing in my love of self, to continue practicing letting go of my shame responses, to continue making art and music, and to find places in this world to help others move through their own struggles as well. If nothing else, when you read this, know that you are not alone in these very tough and uncertain times. Know that we are moving through a socially traumatic time, which will require a lot of healing. It's important we focus on the healing and not the pain.  Be kind to yourself. Be kind to each other.   

Organized Chaos, 2020

About the Art

The pieces I selected to share with you for this week's blog entry are all autobiographical. "Where Does This Door Go" (2020) is based on a song by Mayer Hawthorne. It reflects upon the feelings of moving through life with uncertainty. The world around us is almost unrecognizable. I used liquid acrylic paints layer upon layer to add depth, and framed the picture using simple forms to compliment the chaos of the dripping circles. White in the doorway, represents a brighter future that can be found in taking a risk.

"Drunk With Opportunities"(mixed media on cotton paper, 9 in. x 11in., 2018) was a quite literally interpretation of my first year in San Francisco, lacking focus, being numb, just in awe of the world around me. 

I have used my art not only to reflect my present states of mind, but also to project myself into the future almost like an abstract vision board.  "Organized Chaos" (acrylic on canvas, 24 in. x 24 in., 2020) is about the next steps of my life moving forward, honing in my chaos in to more manageable bits. Chaos and order have long been themes of my art. There is still beauty in the chaos, but the chaos is much more contained and controlled.  I've come a long way in this life already, and this is what I am continuing to move toward in my life.  

About the Author

Clint Frederic Wiater resides in San Francisco. He is an artist, vocalist, and life coach with a heart for helping and a love of life.