Moving Through October: Resilience and Renaissance 2020, Healing in Progress!

1. Untitled, 2018

If you are like me, you might be experiencing the pains of this long-term traumatic event we are going through in new ways lately. It's like our nerves have been exposed for too long to the anxiety brought on by pandemic, highlighted with economic and political stress. We have been dealt nothing less than uncertainty since the beginning of the year and October has been an extra special type of stressful. In spite of all the stress, I am looking forward to the end of the month.  This year, I turn 44, on 10/30/2020. (Any numerologists out there with insight?) Although there is typically a positive to be learned from them, October's lessons have been known to be some of the more challenging ones. 

I've been busy writing, singing and arting, and looking for steady work. I needed to take a break from writing memoir material.  When I revisit my challenging childhood moments, I am in danger of getting stuck in those emotions. Rejection and self-loathing tend to interfere in very particular ways with the process of growing in loving myself. These are not good places to stay mentally during a pandemic when you are already experiencing trauma from the world around that is unpreventable. Staying pain focused, can rob me of the present and any feelings of joy or chance of moving forward. So I know I must focus on healing, despite the distractions. Is this what resilience is? I don't even know. Quite frankly, its flippin' hard!  It begs the question "Have I always been moving through Hell with the flames licking at my backside?" 

Lately, I am in a constant struggle balancing out my emotions with the rational. I have to actively forgive myself for shaming myself about feeling afraid and lonely in these times.  I also need not diminish my own experience because many are going through it. We are amidst life changing times. Together. 

2. Holly Park 9/9 11am, 2020

Feelings of isolation and loneliness have become intense occasionally. In my personal life, there is little physical affection around to be had. Human contact has been reduced to walks and talks with friends, time in parks or the occasional shop with strangers. There has been an occassional, but rare hook up, which has not at all been fulfilling. 

At home, I reside with a socially independent roommate. We get along great but share little time.  I tutor  her mother, English, once weekly over Line.  I have singing meetings over Zoom with friends and new acquaintances whom are lovely from Martuni's. Unfortunately, its in direct conflict with the only other singing group I would been with from the Mint.  When I really feel the need, I go "live" from time to time to paint or to sing to whomever wants to watch on Facebook and Instagram.  But overall, my social life has shrunk considerably for safety's sake if nothing else. 

In addition, when I lost my job at the beginning of this, I lost an extended family. When quarantine came and our restaurant closed, I lost a purpose.  I lost a place to be. I had a place that was fairly welcoming of me to be me. It was nice to feel a part of a team. I miss that sense of belonging. I also had a karaoke family that I got to see often. I miss all of that. I miss the stage. I miss being applauded. I miss people clapping for each other. I miss the kindness in the everyday exchanges. I miss the moments that brought joy, interacting with a collection of characters in life was stimulating and fun. I enjoyed sharing laughs here and there, finding people to relate to. I miss those moments of sponteous joy brought out between people.

When I leave my home, I notice that people all over are hungry for kindness. I try to be kind to everyone, but find myself emotionally on edge some days. Its hard to trust people while in scarcity. I am tired of this anxiety. I hurt. But I am compassionate enough to know that my pain does not give permission to act it out on others.  I remind myself regularly that everyone is just trying to get through this life one day at a time, as well. I am not unique.  

I've taken this time of uncertainties to continue on my journey of growing into more of myself.  It is important that I am present and mindful. Since alcohol is out of my diet, there is far less numbing leaving me feeling way more emotions than I have felt in a long time on the regular. I still smoke weed, and drink coffee, which plays on those numbing strings if I am not careful. I used to play with cocaine, but it doesn't hold my interest. Psychedelics have proven to work some interesting things in my brain state, but their use is rare. I think its good to know where I am at with my uppers and downers emotionally, factoring them all into reality. These days' emotional rollercoaster can get bumpy, the weed can smooth it out and calm it down, the coffee, not-so-much. When you have been conditioned to be keenly aware of how you emote, you become extremely aware of whatever it is that you are feeling inside. It gets distracting and the outside chemicals, have not always been a good thing for dealing with them but I have to say, I am at my most aware of how I use whatever I put in my body. It's good to not be numb all the time.  

Being so isolated, I have to actively seek means of motivating myself to continue moving forward.  Its hard to pull energy from already depleted sources.   Flying solo so much more these days makes Joy a ghost that mostly visits me in my dreams. Often, when I awake, I find myself startled when the realities of life settle in. Within a few minutes after a solid nights sleep, my heart rate increases, my breath becomes short. It's as if I wake up in a living nightmare.

3. Untitled, 2014

This inversion of life tends to take away from gratitude and grace. I need to practice grace, allowing the things to be, accepting them as they are.  A hot mess. A complicated, hot mess. In this realization, I accept that I am in the midst of everything I ever wanted when I moved to San Francisco. It is not an easy life, but it is a gift, nonetheless. I often forget that I didn't project myself to be alive this long. I didn't ask for an easy life. Each moment is a treasure. Each person is a possibility to exchange an act of kindness with. Each day is an opportunity grow in love for myself and in compassion for the world around me. These are not easy things to channel when it feels as though the joy is being stripped from us by the world around us itself, but these thoughts must still exist, if hope is to remain. 

4. The Sound of Meowsic, 2015

I learned a new word recently, "doom scrolling." Its when you get caught up in the shitshow of media reflective of the world around us and get sucked into the wormhole of the internets. It breeds our own anxiety. It's unfortunate that media has done nothing but perpetuate Dumpster Fire 2020, so we must be mindful of what we consume. We are seeing the results of the normalization of violence. Media is teaching people how to resolve their emotional conflicts. If we are not careful, a greater civil war than what we already have going on, will emerge. A greater oppression of peoples will occur.  

Media outlets are not doing anything but finding ways to best sustain themselves. Media wants conflict because it makes the news more interesting. Media is helping people focus on their pain. I get it. It's an election year and "hot button" issues must be discussed. Quite frankly, I am afraid for the future of the nation. This fear seems warranted and I know I am not alone.  I am afraid that people have embraced their own pain and hate. There are a lot of people holding tight to their old ideas and ideals. Change is challenging, but change is inevitable. The push back is bound to happen. In the past, when the world has had chaos, we have had leaders who have been able to comfort us, to bring us together and be solution focused. Currently, we don't have many people acting as leaders. There is no clear plan to unite the masses, by anyone that has been put out there. 

5. 2020, 2020

Here's the deal. Everyone still wants the same things. Everyone wants an opportunity to be themselves. Everyone wants love and acceptance. Everyone wants a sense of belonging. Everyone deserves security in their existence. Everyone deserves an equal opportunity to be their best self.  Why can't we focus on how we nurture and grow? Instead, we play rich men's games. People's livelihoods hang in the balance. We are all in a state of grief and mourning,  some in constant states of anxiety, or perhaps worse, denial. I remind myself that I have been in more isolated situations before in my life. This time, I have freedom to work toward making it better though, by whatever means possible.  I have to keep working at letting go of old ideas of how life "should" be. The everyday onslaught of worse case scenarios played out on media needs to stop informing emotional states of being. How do we accomplish this?

6. Photos from photoshoot, 2014

A Renaissance, perhaps? A rebirth of tending to the best parts of humanity. Artists are here on the earth to help lead and reflect the times. We are sources of healing powers. We are here to write and to recite our poetry. We are here to sing songs that give permission to feel. We are here to paint, sculpt and draw to help move through these times. In the distractions of this last months latest traumas, I lost sight that I AM living my dreams. I AM an artist. I AM a life coach. I AM a vocalist. I AM a renaissance man.  I AM growing in the places that I have needed to be growing. I am using my tools to heal myself and others along the way. I AM grateful to be on this strange and troublesome journey. We are experiencing an abundance of things that demonstrate the state of our own humanity. Our spirits are crying out for healing. 

7. Do What Heals You, 2020

A long time ago, I gave up my traditional Christian beliefs and have searched for spirituality instead. My conclusions have been this: Artistic gifts are from the Universe, the Divine Source, God, whatever you want to call the Breath of Life that lives within and around us.  Our gifts are given to heal us. They connect us to the sacred nature within us.  I believe the Divine Powers, whatever they may be, do not want us in a state of constant chaos. Art helps align us all. This isn't something a church can teach, its not a religion, but art should be practiced religiously. Collectively, we as artists are able to influence the world around us. Collectively, we are able to create an overtone that whispers hope and sprinkles the spirit of love on the masses. 

8. Burst of Energy, 2015

I challenge everyone to continue growing in your gifts. Nurture your spirits.  KNOW that you are worthy no matter what the world around you may try to convince you.  KNOW that you are not alone in fears and worries about the future. Know that you can nurture and maintain your dreams while the world around you is in chaos, in fact, you are the ONLY one who can do it. Know that success can be measured by the love we spread. Accept that the world can be a scary place and cherish time spent with and around others. The Laws of Attraction are at play, our energy invites our future. Focus on what is good.  Be mindful of where your energy goes. Nurture healthy relationships, give space to unhealthy ones. 

Let's move forward with a mindset of rebirth, personal and societal. We have an opportunity to lay the groundwork for  #Renaissance2020 and end the uncertainty. We as artists are the ones with the power to do this. Let's help create a vision for the future. Let's do good things, be good people, and live in creativity and kindness. There is healing energy when positive exchanges occur. In all this uncertainty, trust the Universe has a purpose for us all. Keep learning the art of loving one another. Keep loving yourself.  Blessings to you all. Keep hope alive and for Pete's sake, give yourself permission to feel! Make art! 

9. Art Show, 2019

About the Art

1.  Untitled, Acrylic on Canvas, 2019. 40 in. x 40. I chose this piece as a representation of life spinning seemingly out of control. It's organic but patterned, free flowing but restrictive. Bright, beautiful, and complex. 

2. Holly Park, September 9th, photograph. The skies of orange in early September were one of the most surreal events I have ever experienced. I felt like I was taken to another planet. This photograph was taken in one of my favorite parks by home.  For several days following, the air was impossible to breathe. The orange eventually subsided but fire season continues. The world is changing. The orange dome added weight to the burdens of the year.

3/6. Photos, 2014. After living with an person actively using opiates for several months, my mind went to dark places. I created this photoshoot taken in the bathroom of the Studio Arts building at the University of Wisconsin Green Bay with a child resuscitation doll, a fake flower and a plastic bag. I framed the doll with an adult sized body outline in masking tape. The moment is engrained in my brain because the entire time I listened to John Legend's Love in the Future album, singing along while taking photos.  I put a lot of spirit and healing into those photos to pull myself up. (For you photography buffs out there, these were taken with my Canon Power Shot SX40HS, edited on photoshop.) 

4. The Sound of Meowsic, Collage/mixed media on cotton paper, 11 in. x 14.  I love surreal art. This makes me giggle. The disembodied cat head floats on a seemingly dancing body sans legs, paying homage to a movie/musical I never enjoyed. ;)

5. 2020, Mixed media on cotton paper (diptych), 11 in. x 14 in. each. I made these recently in response to a call for artists to reflect the current times in the city of San Francisco. 

7. Do What Heals You, 2020. Acrylic on cotton paper, 11 in. x 14 in. Seriously, folks. Do the things that heal you. 

8. Burst of Energy, 2015. Encaustic, collage on cotton paper, 11 in. x 14 in. We need to channel our fire inside as these days progress. Art can heal us from the inside out. We must express ourselves, in healthy ways. Trust me, the more healthy ways we learn to express ourselves, the better our relationship with ourself and our relationships with others will be. Do the things that fuel you to grow. Nurture your spirit. Share your love, and most important, love yourself. 

9. Art Show, 2019 Acrylic, collage on canvas, 11 in. x 14 in. Thank you for letting me share my art and my thoughts and sharing space to be vulnerable with you all. I feel seen as I write this. I believe art has the power to plant seeds that reap the growth and development of culture and society. It is sexual in its nature like that. It can be looked upon with all the opinions one has upon sex as well. It can be obscene or gross to those who lack understanding. It can be seen as a loving expression. No matter how you view it, art is necessary for our survival. 

About the Author, Artist, Singer, Life Coach...

Clint Frederic is a native of Wisconsin currently residing in San Francisco. He is actively trying to survive pandemic times, job loss, and his own demons. He currently has no running shows but His art is in homes around the US. Feel free to drop a comment.